Thursday, 5 September 2013

Rebarneted by Crapita - and Monkey Business, or Mrs Angry's Survey

The first week of Capitaville Plc, then: how is it going, Mrs Angry, you are wondering?

Mrs Angry, as you know, is not allowed into the sacred territory of North London Business Park without a full escort and armed guard, but as she has the power of metamorphosis, and can change herself into any given form at the drop of a hat, she has been busy stalking the corridors in the guise of a Capita drone, laughing quietly to herself, and making careful observations.

On our first day in Capitaville, we were allowed a forty minute break from our labours and invited to a meet and greet session with our new masters. 

Keeping our heads reverentially bowed, we listened gratefully to Partnership Director Mark Wyllie, who told us that there are important changes planned that will benefit all staff: you'll never guess ... Capita are actually going to provide us with cups, tea and coffee in the staff kitchens, AND ... AND bring back paper towels in the loos.

Oh ... They could not give us any timings on when staff would be 'moving out' of Barnet: the number of posts have still to be verified, and 'transformation' will be a 'gradual process'. Still, never mind, to make up for it, they gave us all cupcakes: look ... and no, this is not a triumphant example of Mrs Angry's photoshopping skills.

If you recall, Finchley Tory MP Mike Freer, the architect of easycouncil, informed us that his brilliant idea, written on the back of a post-it note, was a good thing because it would offer More Choice. 

And look: he was right. We had a choice of two different cupcakes, plain sponge, or chocolate. It doesn't get much better than that, does it? 

Oh, and we were given vouchers so we could donate to local charities, which was a humbling reminder that even though some of us are about to lose our jobs, we should stop feeling so sorry for ourselves.

And as the week has progressed, fed on a diet of cupcakes and corporate brainwashing, we are beginning to learn to love our new masters, and to want to please them. 

And then when in return they asked us to take part in a very, very important decision, we were deeply touched, and keen to give them every assistance: 

We can vote? Yes, we can ...  

Latin! Well f*ck me. Who would have thought it, eh? 

Ex capita semper aliquid novi.

You can buy a tin of authority, combined with services, from Crapita: and that tin is well worth £1 billion worth of our business, don't you think? 

Wonder who came up with these three names, and how much it cost us? 

Someone, somewhere is being paid to write this shite - and surely it is not our own home-grown Tooting Twister? 

Nah. No spelling mistakes, for one thing. Oh hang on, it was the team. No: The Team. Not the A Team, clearly. Further along the alphabet, and then some. Rebranding see: always works, polishing a turd, doesn't it?

Renew, Regenerate, Regulate, Reinvest ReBarnet (REBARNET!) - Rethink. 

That last one is for you, nincompoop Tory councillors of Broken ReBarnet.

Regroup, Resist, Revolt, comrade workers of Capitaville, is Mrs Angry's advice.

Aha! A survey! Mrs Angry likes a survey, don't you, citizens?
Take a look:

In fact, Mrs Angry likes surveys so much, she decided to create her own: 

Naming the Broken Barnet/Capitaville Joint Venture

Please indicate your preferred option: 

1. HMS Titanic
2. A Big Mistake
3. Something Cooked Up Behind His Back While the Leader was On Holiday Last Year
4. A Shotgun Wedding

Or perhaps you may have your own suggestions? Why not send them to Mr Wyllie? 

Tell him Mrs Angry sends her regards. 

(PS: Mr Wyllie - you might want to think about asking The Team to rebrand your surname, for fear of providing Mrs Angry with the opportunity for further mischief ... )


Mr Mustard said...

Could I put my money on Capita (BDRS) Ltd please Mrs Angry?

It is only that that is the thrillingly original name of the company in a GFC report for next Monday's meeting. The company was incorporated on 18 July 13 if that is of any significance.

Next Monday, is the second Monday of the month so would usually be my social club. Given that GFC also includes a paper on staff conflicts of interest including a contribution from Trowers & Hamlin, so that will be all right then, I have a feeling that there might be a largish attendance and so my little social gathering can place in the Greyhound afterwards. The Sauvignon Blancs are on me!

Mrs Angry said...

Good, because I have had to sit through a temperance event tonight, at the library occupation anniversary/book launch. The occupy movement in Broken Barnet is heroically virtuous, and markedly abstemious: lots of nice food though.

Mr Reasonable said...

A FTSE 100 plc and that's the three most imaginative names they can come up with?

Mrs Angry said...

Mmm, Mr R: and I wonder how long it took them, and at what cost? I like their idea of consultation though: here are three awful options, which one do you dislike the least? It's good to know that some Barnetraditions will be upheld in Capitaville.

Anonymous said...

Quem deus vult perdere, dementat prius

Mrs Angry said...

Indeed, Tom: Mrs Angry's brother was going to write that very phrase in marker pen all over his desk, on the day of his redundancy/retirement from Barnet, but bottled it, much to his sister's disappointment, having supplied him with a certain amount of gleeful encouragement.

Readers may like to know that you too are an expert on re-branding, or rather resisting it, on behalf of librarians,or 'knowledge people' as we must now call them, forced to change from CILIP to the idiotic ILPUK, because a rather thrilling consultant named Max du Bois says it is a Good Idea. See Tom's blog (link on the right) for further fun on this subject.