Exclusive: Mrs Angry's Spa Weekend with Rebekah

No: not Rebekah Brooks - and definitely not Mrs Angry

* updated again, Monday: see below

Here's an idea.  Take a trip out of Broken Barnet, just for this post, and come away with Mrs Angry for a spa weekend. Slip out of your robe, and dip your toe in the jazuzzi.

Ahh: that's better, isn't it?

Mrs Angry has just been reading the stories about the alleged links between Champneys Spas, the Met Commissioner, and News International. How very interesting, she thought, as last week she had tweeted a jokey reference to a visit to Champneys a couple of years ago - in May 2009, in fact - just looked it up.

And yes, she can't speak for all of the other guests, but she did pay her own bill ... in fact she should have sent the bill to the London Borough of Broken Barnet, as she was there largely to try and deal with the stress caused by their installation of some of their problem tenants next door to her home, but that's another story, see early blogs, and no, Mr Freer, I'm not ever going to let you forget.

I think men often wonder why women like going to spas, and what they get up to there. Let Mrs Angry explain. The reason why your wife goes there is, well: a. to get away from you, and b. to lounge about in a horrible white gown, bitching to her best friend and plotting divorce. And what better way to pass a weekend?

From time to time you are supposed to go to exercise classes (no, not Mrs Angry) and undergo various forms of alternative therapies or treatments, wearing only ghastly paper thongs, listening to terrible ambient music and trying not to laugh. Some treatments really are ridiculous: try having yourself dipped in liquid wax (you might enjoy this, actually, Brian) and rolled up in bandages, just like being embalmed - while you are still alive. Very Edgar Allan Poe. Mostly harmless fun, though. The drawbacks are that there is no bar, and nothing to do after dinner, so it is all very virtuous, and rather like being at boarding school.

The Champneys at Tring used to belong to the Rothschild family, and parts of the building still retain an air of faded grandeur. In the evening twilight you can sit in the drawing room, gaze through the French windows onto the lawn and listen to some old boy tinkling away on the piano, or wander about the rather spooky old wing, and through the empty rooms. It's like being in a rather dull house party in the 1930s. The sense of past occupants is quite strong, in fact Mrs Angry twice woke up in the middle of the night and felt someone, or something, was sitting on the end of the bed, yet there was no one there: not even a NOTW reporter -very unnerving. She had to keep the lights on for the rest of the night. So: an odd place really.

During this visit, hearing the name 'Rebekah Wade' called by a receptionist in the treatment area, Mrs Angry had looked up to note the flame haired editor stomping about looking, frankly, darlings, a bit rough, and rushing off for some evidently much needed beauty treatments.

Ms Wade, as she was then, just before her wedding, and shortly before taking up her post at the News of the World, appeared to be accompanied at Tring by her mother, and there were also a couple of well known female tabloid hacks - including columnist Jane Moore - from The Sun lying about outside on the verandah area on the Sunday afternoon.

Ms Moore is not impressed by citizen journalism, according to an interview given to the Independent in 2008: 'I don't really understand blogging, it's like verbal diarrhoea to me', which is funny, because that's pretty much how many people feel about The Sun and oh whoops, The News of the World, isn't it? Still, as Jane grudgingly admitted, 'blogging can be fantastic for stories ...' Mmm.

Rather weirdly, at the same time on the verandah, only a couple of yards away, former boxer Frank Bruno was sliding into the jacuzzi, displaying his still wonderfully toned torso to the admiration of the surrounding female guests: and one or two men.

This struck Mrs Angry as even more surreal, as of course poor Frank had been the victim of a shameful story in The Sun in 2003, with a cruel headline 'Bonkers Bruno Locked Up', provoking universal criticism and forcing Rebekah Wade to withdraw it and replace the headline with 'Sad Bruno in Mental Health Home'. Bruno, who is a gentleman, and rather sweet, failed to jump out of the jacuzzi and give the hacks a thump and/or the benefit of his opinion, which was disappointing.

Mrs Angry and her friend happened to leave the spa at the same time as the Wade party, and noted with interest the royal treatment and formal send off they received from the management and other staff on their departure, who were evidently well acquainted with them, kissing terms, even - so lovely to see you again - which rather suggested that they were frequent and distinctly honoured guests.

This morning we learn that stories in several papers, such as the Telegraph, make allegations about Met Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson's five week stay at Champneys' Tring spa. Champneys' PR consultant Neil Wallis was arrested last week in relation to his time at the News of the World, and the phone hacking scandal. Oh: and of course Mr Wallis has had a post as a communications adviser to the Met, as well, which is all very confusing, isn't it?

In the Standard, Scotland Yard is quoted as saying that Stephen Purdew, the owner of Champneys, is a personal friend of Sir Paul's and therefore offered him free accommodation and meals, which is very kind, of course. And friends of Mr Wallis are this morning reported to be alleging the Stephenson story is an attempt to shift media attention from News International to the police.

Well: Mr Wallis's company, 'Outside Organisation', only received the contract for Champneys last November, but clearly the spa at Tring at least has been favoured with the custom of News International staff for some time beforehand.*

Mrs Angry's head is spinning: is yours?

*Update, a reader has pointed out in the comments below that 'Mr Rebekah Brooks', her husband Charlie, has a connection to Champneys in regard to his Kriotherapy unit. Perhaps Sir Paul tried it out in his weeks at Champneys, recuperating from his operation?

Ah: hang on, according to a statement by Scotland Yard, quoted in the Mirror:

"The Commissioner ­personally paid for all other treatments and extras, including a number of subsequent physiotherapy and cryotherapy ­appointments at Champneys Medical."

That's sorted that out, then.

... and now of course Rebekah Brooks has been arrested, which may have the unfortunate result of making her unable to attend parliament to answer questions on Tuesday. Timing is everything, isn't it?

*The curse of Mrs Angry strikes again:

Sir Paul Stephenson has resigned. His long statement includes the following comment -

"Now let me briefly deal with the recent story in relation to my use of Champney's facilities. There has been no impropriety and I am extremely happy with what I did and the reasons for it - to do everything possible to return to running the Met full time, significantly ahead of medical, family and friends' advice. The attempt to represent this in a negative way is both cynical and disappointing."

Staying at Champneys can cost an awful lot more than you might expect.

*Update Monday: Normally Sundays are quiet in the blogosphere: yesterday this post had ten times the normal level of hits: interesting. This morning, Mrs Angry notes that an infamous champagne socialist from Broken Barnet, sulking because no one kissed her at Champneys, has been mouthing off in the Grauniad, and cheekily impersonating her, although rather notably she does not know seem to know to spell Mrs Angry's (other) surname. http://bit.ly/pp01nf

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/jul/18/champneys-spa-paul-stephenson-phone-hacking

The Business that is Show - in Broken Barnet

Councillor Longstaff, on the casting couch with Mrs Angry

Some blogs in Broken Barnet like to celebrate the arrival of Friday with a little something for the weekend: a joke, or an amusing story. Obviously Mrs Angry does not approve of amusing stories, and strictly avoids the use of humour of any kind in this blog, which aims only to offer a serious analysis of local authority news and related political developments.

Mrs Angry has decided, however, that after a very long and exciting couple of weeks, our Tory councillors and senior officers may be perhaps in need of some light relief, and even a happy ending, so she has decided to resume her personal sofa audit of our elected representatives, in order to cheer us all up a little bit, (Mrs Angry needs cheering up a little bit too) and enable us all to get to know them just a little bit better, and, who knows, perhaps help one or two of them in their careers at the same time?

Attending the council meeting this week, Mrs Angry was struck once again by the absurd theatricality of the event: the melodrama, the grand guignol - the sturm und drang -and no, not just when Brian Coleman is speaking. Ah, but: funnily enough, Mrs Angry's investigations have revealed that amongst our Tory councillors there is a surprisingly large contingent of real luvvies, not just gifted amateurs like Brian: no - some regular performers and Actors, darling.

For some reason, this bunch of thespians prefers to keep a low profile, and are not among the most vocal councillors in the chamber. Recently, however, some of them have acheived more visibility by receiving the gift of patronage by new leader Mr Richard Cornelius. Perhaps the most obvious of these is new Cabinet member Councillor David Longstaff, who is a councillor for High Barnet ward, along with two formidable Tory ladies with very interesting hairstyles, Bridget Perry and Wendy Prentice.

Mr Longstaff is a man of forthright opinions, and now has the opportunity to express these views at length in his new post, as member responsible for 'Safety and Resident Engagement'. Looking at Councillor Longstaff's declarations on the online register tells us little else about him, other than that he is a school governor, and of course an Actor - and comedian. Unlike our first featured councillor, Robert Rams, Mr Longstaff has nothing to say in relation to his home: he has nothing to declare under beneficial interest, or corporate tenancy.

Mrs Angry was reminded of Councillor Longstaff's theatrical career at this week's meeting, when he drew attention to himself by a spectacularly awful performance in a speech to the chamber, ending in tears before bedtime for David, general mirth, and shouts of 'SIT DOWN' from the public gallery. Councillor Longstaff, when playing the part of a Tory Cabinet member, is sadly miscast - and, rather curiously, lacks the ability to carry his audience. He may be safe, but he definitely need to work on the engaging with residents' specification of his new responsibility. Well, I say specification, but of course our Tory councillors have forgotten about their promise to provide such definitions for the roles which earn them their tax payer funded allowances.

The reaction David got from the public gallery was more Saturday night at the Glasgow Empire than Chekhov at the Old Vic, in fact.It would be unfair to say that Councillor Longstaff is not without a career of some notable acheivement, however. Mrs Angry has taken a peek at his details on the Casting Call website: you might like to do the same.

http://www.uk.castingcallpro.com/portfolio.php?uid=52857&image=313409

Many of David's roles have, ironically, been as the type of citizen that is at the heartland of the Tory vote: or was - he has played a salesman, a shopowner, a dentist - and of course there was the character of 'Beige Man in Ikea'. This was a part which cleverly addressed the challenge of life in the metropolis - telling the story, as does all meaningful artistic endeavour, and 99% of reality tv, of 'a journey' - from Henleys' Corner to Neasden, in this case. Who has not been there, with Beige Man, and on arrival at the eternally rotating door, looked at the leaflet telling you how to shop, and wondered what the point of it all is? F*ck me, if I know.

Councillor Longstaff has also played ... let's see: a monk, a wigman, a florist, an elf and a farting man. Goodness me. Other roles include 'an argumentative guest' and an extra in Extras. Oh, and er, he had, as we know, and - note to self - Mrs Angry, please stop laughing at your old jokes: you're not half as funny as you think you are - but yes, David had a small part in Mary Whitehouse, a BBC drama, and er: his character was called 'Mr Smallwood'. Stop sniggering, Mr Mustard.

Mrs Angry notes that Councillor Longstaff has also played the role of Reverend Burton in a film called 'Easy Virtue'. Mrs Angry was educated by nuns, you know, and does not watch any film that Sister Mary Imelda would not have approved of, so she cannot tell you what that was all about. Ask Mr Mustard, maybe.

On his casting page, Councillor Longstaff has helpfully linked a clip of some of his roles. Please take a look. Interestingly, David performs stand up comedy, and not only by mistake, in the council chamber of the London Borough of Broken Barnet. Mrs Angry must warn you that the example in the video footage includes a rude word beginning with w. No: not 'worker' - a term of insult for many Barnet Tories - wanker: a term more commonly used amongst -and against -the ranks of our beloved Conservative councillors.

Mrs Angry must also warn the easily offended, and former convent schoolgirls: look away now, Councillor Mc Guirk - of the sight you will see at around 4.20 minutes in this clip.

We know that in his casting details, Councillor Longstaff has stated that he is willing to perform nude, but only, sorry to disappoint, ladies, only professionally. So Mrs Angry sat and watched this clip, on behalf of the voters of Broken Barnet, you understand, and was taken by surprise.

She was reminded of the words of archaeologist Howard Schliemann, excavator of Troy, who told the world, long ago, as he uncovered the golden mask of a buried king: 'I have gazed on the face of Agammemnon'. Citizens of Broken Barnet: Mrs Angry has gazed on the a*se of David Longstaff: and yes, it was covered in gold. Take a look.

Forget about my jokes about Longstaff giving his Bottom at the RSC: this clip reveals he actually displayed it - on a professional basis -on behalf of a film called 'The Moguls'. I hope the link works: if not, and you still want to see Councillor Longstaff's a*rse, Mrs Angry can only suggest that you attend the next council meeting, or surgery, and ask him yourself.

Incidentally, David, if you get any more work, thanks to Mrs Angry, please feel free to pay me 10% of your agent's 10%.

Mrs Angry x

More showbiz news over the weekend

An audience with the auditors

Mr Reasonable and Mrs Angry have just returned from a long meeting with Paul Hughes, auditor with Grant Thornton for the London Borough of Broken Barnet. It was a very interesting meeting, and, we hope, a constructive one. We are giving Mr Hughes a chance to respond to some of the points we raised with him before writing in detail about it in our blogs, but you may be assured that there will be a full report, as soon as possible, whatever the outcome.

The council offices at North London Business Park are not the most attractive of venues: an ugly collection of corporate buildings and multi storey car parks sat in the middle of nowhere, with a couple of lakes surrounded by goose shit. No sign of Mrs Angry's eco friendly One Barnet sewage recycling plan, as offered to the marvellous Ideasbarnet website last year, she noted, with regret.

As Mrs Angry waited outside for Mr Reasonable, the Director of Corporate Governance, who is a great admirer of Mrs Angry, walked past in horror, barely able to mutter a reluctant hello when he clocked her hanging about. She smiled horribly in return, and wished him good morning. Mr Hughes, who had not been warned in advance of his audience with the she devil, also walked past in bemusement, but Mrs Angry stared ahead tactfully into the mid distance, trying to assume the expression of someone about to attend a meeting about the finer points of an local authority audit and who had suddenly acquired a wealth of expertise on accountancy, public sector finance, corporate law, that sort of stuff. Hold on, though, thought Mrs Angry: I am that woman now. Well kind of.

Mr Reasonable arrived, and a short discussion of the meeting's agenda ensued. You be bad cop, and I'll be good cop, suggested Mrs Angry. Mr Reasonable and Mrs Angry looked at each other uneasily. No, said Mrs Angry, that isn't going to work, is it? In the end they decided on a two handed approach - a double act, and Mrs Angry tried to behave. Always difficult.

Meetings in NLBP are rather uncomfortable as you will notice, when you sit down, that there are locks on the outside of the doors. Throughout the meeting with the auditors, therefore, Mrs Angry had to fight the urge to turn around to see if the Director of Corporate Governance had appeared behind her and was twitching the handle in an anti clockwise direction ...

As we settled down around the table, the assistant auditor noted the peculiar colour of the windows: a strange colour, she said: tinted. Ah, said Mrs Angry, thinking back to a remark by Brian Coleman's at last night's council meeting. Yes, she said: rosy tinted, I would imagine.

The next hour and a quarter was spent in discussion of some very serious issues relating to the audit, MetPro, and the wider implications.

We would like to believe that Mr Hughes will reflect on the concerns we raised, and take action to address these concerns. So much is at stake, at this crucial point in the preparation for the massive outsourcing programme of One Barnet.

And it is not just the future financial well being of our borough which hangs in the balance: our situation here demonstrates a test of the government's plans for the future of the audit process itself.

What will happen now here in Barnet will be an indication of our borough's competence in local governance, but it will also be a challenge for Mr Pickles' plans for the audit of local authorities, and a system that will place a reliance on the small and rather incestuous group of private sector audit companies who are expected to take over the work of the Audit Commission when it is abolished. If confidence in the integrity of the audit process is to remain after the loss of the Audit Commission, the private companies that take its place must be shown to have the ability and independence that are required for the job.

At one point in this morning's meeting Mr Hughes commented ruefully that he had heard from Mr Pickles, last week. Yes, said Mrs Angry, trying to keep a straight face. So had she ...

Well, we armchair auditors have done our best, here in Broken Barnet, but Uncle Eric can't really think that the investigations of ordinary residents and bloggers could or should ever be expected to replace a rigorous, professional system of scrutiny of local authority spending. All we can do, really, is keep a watchful eye on the watchmen.

What happens now is a test of Barnet's Tory leadership, and will reveal whether or not Richard Cornelius is capable of putting the well being of the residents of this borough before the discredited political ideology of his predecessors.

It is also a test of Grant Thornton, and their credibility as an effective, independent auditor, able and willing to address what is, whether they like it or not, a matter of serious public concern. To refuse a further inquiry into the implications of the MetPro audit on the grounds of the danger of 'undermining confidence in a public body' is not acceptable. Barnet's reputation is already in tatters, and its financial administration is in meltdown. To proceed any further with large scale outsourcing now would be complete madness.

Last year Grant Thornton identified huge flaws in the One Barnet business plan, or lack of it, and commented that Barnet did not seem to understand the process of risk management. Post MetPro, and all the areas of incompetence that have consequently been revealed, it is surely apparent that these flaws are far more serious than was first suspected. One Barnet is sick: One Barnet is dying - time to put it an end to it and start again.

MetPro: urgent questions for councillors

Barnet bloggers have today sent the following questions to all Barnet councillors. We will be publishing the range of response, or lack of response, in due course, in order to facilitate a more accountable relationship between our elected representatives and the residents and tax payers of Broken Barnet.

13 July 2011

Dear Barnet Councillor,

Many Barnet residents have been disturbed by recent revelations that Barnet Council paid the MetPro security companies more than £1.4 million without making checks on the status of the company, or even having a contract.

The authors of the Barnet blogs, recently praised by Eric Pickles, the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, for their work uncovering this scandal, are writing to you now to ask you to complete the survey below.

The results will be posted on our blogs to allow voters to see how seriously our councillors are taking their responsibilities. We will post the results ward by ward; we will also note non-response.

As councillors are accountable to the electorate, we think it is right and proper that you engage with the electorate and keep them informed of your views and opinions. This survey will help you to do that on a matter of keen public interest.

Questions:

1. Are you aware of the issues concerning the MetPro security companies and Barnet Council? Yes / No

2. Are you satisfied that the Council has managed the issue properly?
Yes / No / Neither / Don’t know

3. Do you agree with the comments of Lord Palmer, chair of the Audit Committee, that Barnet Council’s Internal Audit is under resourced? Yes / No / Don’t know / No opinion

4. Have you personally spoken to the Leader of the Council about your views on the MetPro scandal? Yes / No / I am the Leader of the Council

5. Besides the MetPro scandal, do you believe that there are other serious problems with purchasing in Barnet Council? Yes / No / Don't know

6. Do you think a halt should be called to the One Barnet Programme while investigations continue and basic procedures in procurement and contract monitoring are improved?
Yes / No / Don’t know / No opinion

7. Do you believe that as a councillor you have a responsibility to prevent such scandals arising in future? Yes / No / Don’t know / No opinion

8. Have you read the internal audit report into the MetPro scandal? Yes / No

9. Are you happy with the decision to remove nine staff from Barnet Council’s procurement team, as proposed by Craig Cooper at the General Functions Committee on 30 June 2011?
Yes / No / Don’t know / No opinion

Thank you for your time. We look forward to receiving your answers to these questions. Of course, we would be happy to hear any comments you would like to make on the matters raised.

Yours faithfully,

Derek Dishman, John Dix, Vicki Morris, Theresa Musgrove and Roger Tichborne

The end of the pier show: a farce in several acts by the Tory councillors of Broken Barnet

Mrs Angry, always happy to advise Councillor Cornelius


* Now updated: see below.

Another full council meeting, tonight, and another three hours and twenty minutes of rib tickling entertainment in the council chamber.

Mrs Angry is too tired to write tonight but will tell you all about it tomorrow.

You will be thrilled to know, however, that after months of pointless opposition, our camera shy Tory councillors have voted to 'allow' the grateful citizens of Broken Barnet to film their pathetic behaviour in council meetings, and wasn't that nice? See how easy it is, Tory councillors, to do the right thing, after so much idiotic obstruction - and all it took was, well: what? The defiance and determination of a handful of bloggers - oh, and a public humiliation by Eric Pickles.

A certain Tory Cabinet member, who turned up late for an important council meeting last night, after apparently attending a much more interesting engagement, tweeted that the bloggers will get bored with filming after a couple of meetings. Ha: I've got news for you, friend: we are all already deeply bored with the infantile behaviour that masquerades as the democratic process and is displayed so predictably in all council meetings in this borough, but we report them so that the residents of this borough see exactly what you get up to, and we will continue to do so for as long as is necessary. Like Mr Pickles said, Robert: here to stay.

More to follow.
*Here's more then. Continued.

So back to the beginning: full council meeting bla bla bla up the stairs ... Mrs Angry made her way to the council chamber and found herself standing at the table with the agendas next to Cllr Andrew Harper, who gave Mrs Angry what used to be called an old fashioned look. Uh oh, thought Mrs Angry: payback time.

Of course, sadly, no more jokes can be made about Andrew's portfolio, which has visibly diminished in size, after up and coming councillor Daniel 'John' Thomas pushed him out of the way and took over as deputy leader. Now Mr Harper was complaining about not being able to find a copy of the questions and answers. Well, said Mrs Angry, waspishly: perhaps you should have read them before you came to the meeting. I did, he said, triumphantly - I did - ... on the internet. Councillor Harper has evidently been on one of those Big Society volunteer silver surfer courses in the library - oh, what? Hampstead Garden Suburb Library - closing? Never. Whatever next.

Mrs Angry took her place in the public gallery, rather disappointed that, after her endorsement by Eric Pickles, she had not been allocated a place next to the Mayor, and asked to make a ceremonial entrance with the mace-bearing footmen in white gloves, and Councillor Coleman walking backwards in front of her, bowing. Oh well. The Chief Executive looked in, holding a banana, for some reason, but hid it and ran away when he saw Mrs Angry. It was very small. But no more Mr Nice Guy. This is war, Mrs Angry: a fight to the death. Who will win, I wonder?

Tributes were made to a former Tory leader of the council who had recently died. Brian Coleman managed to start his contribution with a petty remark, taking issue with the Labour leader for some point he thought she had been wrong about.

We then had to watch some young and very embarrassed school kids be dragged in front of everyone for some reason, something to do with the youth games. Good. A council meeting is the place for this sort of thing, now that we have banned any meaningful debate. Next: a mention of a birthday card for Prince Phillip. Lovely. Nearly half an hour had gone by: any council business? No: now a polite lecture from the new Mayor. Councillors must be courteous. The public must try to restrain themselves from being carried away by the excitement that they will inevitably feel when attending council meetings. Ok, making a note of that. Calm down, Mrs Angry.

At last questions and answers. Questions and some answers. Whenever any reference is made to anything connected to audit or MetPro, Mrs Angry noted the Tory councillors, as one, suddenly struck dumb, and suddenly finding something fascinating to examine on the floor of the chamber.

Oh dear, someone mentions the meeting the night before, in which library issues were discussed, but where was the Cabinet member responsible, Councillor Robert Rams? You weren't there, shouts a Labour councillor. I was, he claims. Eventually, yells someone else. Where was Robert Rams? A drinks party at the GLA? No. That is not true. He was unavoidably detained. Cabinet members are quite often unavoidably detained, Mrs Angry has noticed. It was most unfortunate, for example, that the new Leader, Mr Cornelius and so many Cabinet members were unable to get to the MetPro audit meeting, being stuck in a lift somewhere, or at a drinks party at the GLA, or at home watching tv. No wonder they don't want performance appraisal or their attendance figures published for the scrutiny of residents.

After Q & A, the meeting debated the implications of the Winterbourne View scandal. There was a lot of hand wringing and councillors telling us how dreadful this was, as if we did not understand, until they had explained it to us. It was an opportunity for them to look concerned, and caring, and over an issue that they think has no direct association with Barnet.

Mrs Angry would like to direct the attention of the Tory councillors of Barnet to the homes they currently use for the placement of elderly mentally infirm residents, including the one in which Mrs Angry's father was incarcerated, and which the CQC has allowed to reopen to new residents, on a basis of minimal improvement, after a Safeguarding Adults investigation instigated by a neighbouring council. Are the councillors sure that they are familiar with the standards of care in these homes? And what about the terrible case of Jesse Moores, a young man with special needs who died while in the care of this authority - or the recent horrifying report about the care of elderly patients in the Royal Free?

Alison Cornelius, yes, wife of the leader, talked in a small voice about man's inhumanity to man. This is the first time I have heard her speak. Husband Richard looked on proudly. Mrs Angry almost felt her knee jerk anti Tory hostility fade slightly, just for one brief shining moment.Then she pulled herself together.

Libdem councillor Jack Cohen made a touching speech, invoking the words of Primo Levi, and reminding Mrs Angry how refreshing it is to find a councillor who has some intelligence, and some sense of a world of possibilities beyond the boundaries of google and starbucks.

Labour councillor Andrew McNeil talked about procurement and safeguarding: the dangers of outsourcing social care. Unfortunately Mrs Angry must report that she noted one Tory Cabinet member who ought to know better yawning rudely and looking bored at this point, which is pretty typical of their standard of behaviour, to be honest.

Item 3.2: parking - aha - normal hostilities were resumed. Up stands Labour's Boudicca, Kath Mc Guirk. She is a street fighter, like all SMOGs (St Michael's Old Girls) ahem, including Mrs Angry, of course. We were trained in unarmed combat by the Sisters of the Poor Child Jesus, you know. And we know how to deal with the likes of Brian Coleman. Mother Fidelis, Sister Clare Dominic: they didn't take any prisoners, did they Kath?

Kath rubbished Coleman's report. She addressed the mewling, shambling Tory back benchers: You do have a mind, she explained to them, patiently: You can speak out ... they gulped and stared at each other in a state of panic: speak out? While Brian was in the building? Councillor McGuirk spoke about the effect of the parking charge hikes and changes on the elderly: as if Coleman could care less. He made a joke about ha ha rose tinted specs, and rubbished Kath;s rubbishing of his report. Facts, let's have some facts: ongoing chaos? There was NONE. All is sweetness and light in the demi paradise of Broken Barnet.

It was a wicked lie to say that parking meters were always out of order. 81% were working. Oh good: only 1 in five now out of order at any given time, and funnily enough all in the same most popular areas, I believe ... but the Tories blame this all on vandalism. Hmm: I do often see enraged housewives in Finchley taking an axe to parking ticket machines, pretending it is a Tory Cabinet member, in order to avoid paying for the privilege of parking. Or is that just me?

And then Brian told us we could not have new parking signs because the cost, the COST, he yelled at us, would be ONE MILLION POUNDS. Evidently this quote was procured, probably by Captain Craig Cooper, under new orders from Grant Thornton, from the same company tendering for the job of painting the lines, at a cost of THOUSANDS OF POUNDS on that road where 'arrogant popinjay' Councillor Coleman's biggest fan lives.

Where were we going to get sort of money from? From ICELAND? yelled a wag in the public gallery. YOU GET FREE PARKING DON'T YOU, yelled another. GIVE UP YOUR FREE PERMIT!

Aha: Councillor David Longstaff, the Actor, the roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd: can't remember what he was ranting about, and frankly I don't care. For an actor he displayed a surprising inability to play to the audience: snappy, sulky, got rattled by the audible amusement -from the public and opposition, and completely lost it to the point that he actually resorted to yelling 'WHATEVER' like one of Mrs Angry's offspring, and then said, oh: I'm going to finish and sat down. Thank God, shouted someone. Oh, hang on: that was me.

Councillor Lord Palmer stood up to make an important correction: the devastating MetPro audit was an internal report and NOT from the external auditors. He talked about the lack of an assurance rating - one of many - for the cashless parking scheme so beloved by Councillor Coleman.

Housing next. By some terrible twist of fate, responsibility for this has been given to Councillor Tom Davey, whose views on social issues make Thatcherism look like namby pamby liberalism: but first we had a speech from another charmer, Rowan Turner, who likes shouting, like all the worst Tories, and berating, like all the worst Tories. This is particularly irritating when it comes from the younger members, some of whom still live at home with their mums and have no real life experience on which to base their right wing world views.

Mr Turner has an interest in gypsies, for some reason, Mrs Angry has noticed, which is odd when you consider that any gypsy or traveller is chased out of this borough as soon as they set foot here. Mr Turner asked a question once about the sites which were supposed to be provided in all London boroughs: a plan dropped by Boris in the run up to the election because of course the Daily Mail reading public must have their bigotry respected. At this meeting, Turner made a snide remark about gypsies objecting to the word, you mustn't use it, you know, he said, archly. Him being an expert, of course. As a matter of fact, you objectionable little oik, traveller is the term preferred by Irish and Scottish travellers, who are not Romany/Romani in origin, and the word gypsy is generally preferred by Romany people. If that's alright with you, Mr Turner. It's not meant to be a term of abuse, and if that is what it is in your vocabulary, perhaps you need to adjust your attitude.

Susette Palmer told councillors to stop being childish, and to grow up. Constantly rubbishing everyone else is uneccessary and un British. This set Rowan Turner off again on his ironic PC posturing. Un British?

A very nice man behind me in the public gallery, who had not been to a council meeting before, spoke to me during the break about the experience. He was visibly shocked by the immaturity and pantomime antics of our elected representatives: and who could blame him? More of a farce than a pantomime: a predictable formula of slapstick humour, fateful misunderstandings and disastrous consequences.

Tom Davey stood up. Straight into an offensive statement: he referred to the 'nonsense' of affordable housing. Ho ho: all housing was, guess what - yes, affordable only - ha ha - some was more affordable than others. Oh, how they would laugh, all those shiftless homeless people at Barbara Langstone House, or in temporary accommodation all around the borough at the mercy of unscrupulous landlords, or even, the feckless fools, sleeping in a shop doorway somewhere. They would agree with the wordly wise Cllr Davey when he announced that social housing was a bad thing because 'it traps people' .... Labour like it though, he said, because Labour feeds on the fear of the unknown ... I thought I saw new Leader Cornelius cringing slightly at this point, but that can't be right, can it, because Mr Cornelius himself told us recently that many people thrive on a background of poverty ...

You want more offensive remarks? Davey is your man. He turned to the subject of all these millionaire union and Labour leaders who live in subsidised housing. Well, a couple who earn around the same as Councillor Coleman who was now beside himself with laughter, rolling about, chortling: Councillor Coleman, you know - the man with a six figure income who has been living for years in a fixed rent flat owned by a local Methodist church, a registered charity. Councillor Coleman, who lives in a glasshouse, throwing stones.

Davey continues. These dreadful people who have no aspiration to be like him and make something of their lives, in a job working for say, a tobacco company, are also hogging social housing with unoccupied bedrooms. Yes, citizens: if you pull back the curtains one day to find a pale faced, sneering Tory councillor at the top of a ladder, throwing his fag ends on your lawn and looking through the window to see who is in your bed, you know who it is likely to be.

Try throwing some more old people out of their homes, suggested someone in the gallery. Oh, that was me again. Ssh, Mrs Angry: you are sitting next to the Barnet Bugle, who is a diehard Tory, and is offended by your heckling. Mrs Angry found an old sweet covered in fluff, at the bottom of her handbag and gave it to him as an apology. Having seduced him with confectionary, and possibly because he had been sitting next to her for three hours and could resist no longer, Mr Hope decided to show Mrs Angry his extendable tripod, intended for use later in the evening. Mrs Angry was impressed.

The next item related to safeguarding. As we know from MetPro, the London Borough of Barnet takes safeguarding very seriously, except when it comes to carrying out CRB checks of illegally operating security staff working with children at risk and vulnerable adults. Mr Harper waffeld on about the council's marvellous record on this vital issue. Labour's Anne Hutton spoke and asked that the safeguarding regulations applying to contracted out services be adhered to. At this point, Mrs Angry noted Brian Coleman laughing with the cluster of Tory councillors sitting around him. It is an unwritten rule that Tory councillors - the men who dominate the party anyway, must snigger and talk when a female councillor speaks, especially a Labour one, or an older one, and Mrs Angry has even, at other meetings, seen Tory councillors laughing at female councillors from ethnic minorities who pronounce words in a way they think is comical. Truly pathetic.

At last we came to the grand finale of the evening's entertainment: item 4.4, a report from the Head of Governance, and oh: look a motion on the issue of the filming of council meetings.

A late amendment had been submitted by Tory Councillor Joan Scannell that residents should be 'allowed' to film discreetly from the public gallery. Please note that yet again, it is a female Tory councillor who has shown a rare display of common sense and honour, amongst the snivelling cowards of the Tory group. If you recall, it was one brave woman, Councillor Kate Salinger, who resisted the order to vote for the shameful allowances last year, and was tornto shreds as a result, and now another female Tory brought to an end months of embarrassing, idiotic publicity for Barnet's refusal to abide by the new guidelines from central government.

I've never heard Joan Scannell speak before, and had wondered if she was capable. She gave an interesting little preamble, about her ninety eight year old mother, and the development of new technology, from crystal sets, to computers, SatNavs and digital cameras of all kinds "and secret lapel cameras", Mrs Angry yelled, helpfully, thinking back nostalgically to MetPro and the budget meeting in March. 'Yes, where's my appearance fee!' demanded veteran campaigner and top hatted republican Mr David Shepherd, sitting behind Mrs Angry.

Mrs Angry notes with amusement that this face saving amendment emerged after she helpfully suggested to her friend the Director of Corporate Governance that he add Appendix B, guidance from Mr Pickles, as expressed to the CIPFA conference, to his report. Or perhaps Mr Cornelius has been won over by her recent words of advice?

According to a report in the local Times, the Tory group were given a free vote and allowed to vote 'with their consciences', which puzzled Mrs Angry, as the mentality of the Tory group is frankly sociopathic in tendency: manipulative, self obsessed, lacking compassion, unable to sustain meaningful relationships - and entirely lacking in conscience. In this case, however, they obviously knew when they were beaten, and voted for the amendment.

I wish I could say the same for the Labour group, some of whom didn't seem to know what they were doing. Mrs Angry is on your case, comrades: watch out.

By this time, ex Tory councillor and Tory blogger Mr Daniel Hope, from the Barnet Bugle, was demonstrating the full extent of his tripod, and was filming the councillors talking about filming the councillors. And there it was, captured for posterity, another u turn by the Tories, and another victory for the bloggers of Broken Barnet.

That was easy, wasn't it?

How to be literate, Broken Barnet style: Councillor Rams shows the way

Today Mrs Angry launches the first in a new series of blogposts, a sort of personal audit, not so much from the armchair, as from the languid recline of the Angry sofa, much more relaxed and informal, which she hopes will help the citizens of Broken Barnet learn to love their much misunderstood Tory councillors, and bring about a new era of peace, love and understanding in our beloved borough. A tall order, she acknowledges.

Talking of tall orders: well - let's start at the other end of the scale, and begin with a closer look at small but perfectly formed Councillor Robert Ramsbottom. Robert has earned himself the honour of starring in the first feature as a result of some particularly idiotic remarks made recently (see below) - and this is on the standard scale of measurement of idiotic remarks by Barnet Tories, so do bear in mind where this particular benchmark is placed, and don't get a crick in your neck bending down.

Councillor Rams is, like Eric Pickles, an enormous admirer of the Barnet blogs and he has started his own one in competition. He is rather lazy though, and only publishes one every now and then, which is just as well, as Mrs Angry doesn't think she could take the excitement otherwise.

To be fair to Robert: he censors comments left on his blog, but exhibits a remarkable instinct for sound judgement in allowing Mrs Angry's comments to make it through to publication. I'm not sure why: I can only imagine that, like so many other Barnet Tories, he has a picture of Mrs Angry on his bedside table, and well, you know ... next best thing to Mrs Thatcher, I suppose. Sorry Rob: now that Eric and me have a bit of a thing going on, it's just not going to happen.

Part of Mrs Angry's personal audit process - armchair and sofa - involves a consultation of the online register of interest, gifts and hospitality. Be warned, Tory councillors of Broken Barnet. What do we find in Robert Ram's entries?

Well: again, to his credit, and in stark contrast to some of his Tory colleagues, Robert has not opted out of the online register, and has apparently addressed the requirements of the declaration with goodness me, openness and transparency. He tells us about his post at the GLA, where he helps the Tory members - standing by when Brian Coleman needs his pencil sharpened, and making him comfy in his chair for his post luncheon snooze at the desk (see photo on 'Dismore v Coleman ...'). He has also been known to shine Roger Evans' shoes from time to time, with a well practised technique of spit and polish. (I think it's that way round, anyway.)

Councillor Ramsbottom has outed himself as a 'member of the lodge of fraternal unity'/trouser roller upper, and he is also a member of International Rescue (see above, right, in full regalia, and no, that is not Mrs Angry next to him, although admittedly there are similarities). He also - but don't tell anyone - is a ssh - a member of an important think tank. In order to keep this quiet, and keep people completely off the trail of his secret activities in this sensitive area, Robert is very careful not to do anything which might give the game away, such as, well - thinking - hence the blog.

Ah: the blog. This is what Councillor Rams had to say recently about the £750 million tender notice for a tranche of council services which was rushed out last month, incredibly, the day after the devastating MetPro report was presented to the audit committee. Rams told us Barnet residents will approve of the council facilitating such a gigantic business opportunity for the drooling, profit hungry private sector, because Barnet residents don't care who provides their services:

"The private sector is well placed to provide support services at a lower cost than the council ever could. Specialist suppliers provide these services as their core business; they have access to industry expertise, they can take advantage of economies of scale, and they can access the latest and best technology to help them deliver better services."

Mrs Angry left the following comment:

"How on earth can you dare to publish this? Did you not read the MetPro Audit Report? Are you not aware of the government’s change in position on the issue of mass outsourcing? Residents do not trust you to give any more services to the private sector: to rush the £750 million package out the day after the MetPro meeting is madness, and you know it. These services need to remain in house, and run competently – and to benefit residents, not for the profit of some external provider. Clearly the Tory administration is incapable of runnning anything with competence and probity, so admittedly that may be a problem. Oh, and why are you and your Tory colleagues so silent on the issues raised by MetPro?"

In his reply, Rams says that 'the MetPro situation' (just a situation, not a scandal) was 'not acceptable':

"... the report that went to audit committee made it clear that our contract management needs to be tightened up and plans are in place to do that. The One Barnet team however grew out of the major projects team that has delivered many education buildings over the last few years – all on time and all within budget."

Hmm, tightened up. Good idea: that should do it. Only thing is, Robert, that I think you are referring to a 'team' which includes - and do correct me if I am wrong, 'Captain' Craig Cooper, who is now, er: just remind me ... oh yes, Director of Commerce, you know, in charge of well, procurement contracts, and stuff - yes, that's right, wasn't that him staring hard at the table during the MetPro audit committee? Next to the outstandingly gifted financial strategist Andrew 'Black Hole' Travers?

Rams' next post is a cracker. He tells us with breathless excitement about a keynote address he had given last week to 'Barnet Market Day'. This event is not to be confused with 'Barnet Fair', the centuries old meeting and horse trading market of gypsy and travelling people - a group of people barred, incidently, from stopping in our borough by our council's blatantly racist refusal to provide even the smallest, most basic provision for their needs, even in the many years when there was a statutury obligation to do so. No: the horse trading last Friday was between our Tory council and the visiting representatives of big fat cat companies like Capita, oh, and BT, who want to feast on the services which their friends in Barnet are throwing their way, with reckless abandon and remarkable generosity. Perhaps a better analogy would be a slave market, in fact: seeing workers as commodities, expendable, not worthy of respect in a 'culture' which puts profit before compassion.

As for Barnet's attempt to pimp itself to the highest bidders, Mrs Angry is still waiting, for some reason, for the response to her FOI request of some weeks ago asking how many senior officers of the London Borough of Broken Barnet, past and present, have attended events organised by BT. You know: Vital Vision and all that. Last week she had to complain that the response had not been answered within the time limit. She is still waiting. Why is that, do you suppose?

But back on the sofa with Robert Rams. Are you sitting comfortably?

In his address to our would be private sector seducers, Councillor Rams said that 'the ruling group' of Barnet Council (did you think you lived in a democracy? ) would have certain expectations of their new partners. A big fat wallet, for one thing, and lots of big promises to show us all a good time.

Robert then went on to boast about the spectacular success of the Tories' new housing policy. This has, at a stroke, reduced the longest housing waiting list in the country - a whopping 17,000 applicants - to only 2,000. Mrs Angry, you are wondering: how on earth did they manage that? Well, they obviously gave 15,000 applicants a new home, didn't they? Oh: hold on, no: they what? Changed the rules, chucked a load of people off the list, and engaged in a spot of old school social engineering, rewarding the deserving poor. Oh yes they did. Says Robert, bursting with paternalistic pride:

"We also score applicants higher if they are working, involved in a voluntary activity or a former member of the armed forces. This has proved to be very popular with existing social housing occupiers who want people who are committed to the community to become their neighbours."

If you are unfortunate enough to be say, the young child of parents who failed to open up a soup kitchen, or join the SAS: tough shit, be more careful what sort of parents you choose - or clear off out of Broken Barnet. Oh and any disruptive families - please see Mrs Angry's early blogs if you want a taste of this - will be decanted into private accommodation, coming soon to a house near you - enjoy.

Robert had something else to show off about. He is the saviour of the library service (the Tories were too scared to push through mass closures of libraries because of the outrage that erupted when this was a possibility) a gentleman and a scholar. He shares his latest thoughts on our library provision:

'Why should we be running a reference collection when half the borough can access Google on their phones?'

Yes, really ... and then:

' ...the very presence of Google on people’s phones indicates that literacy is more important than ever.'

Yes, really.

Thankfully a reader has already said what needs to be said.

Richard Logue has posed an interesting question:

'What kind of idiot wants to remove reference books from libraries?'

Speaking on behalf of the aforesaid kind of idiots, ie the Barnet Tory 'ruling group', Rams is now trying to backtrack and and undo the damage - too late, Robert. The truth is that here in Broken Barnet, culture, art, literature, knowledge are all decadent, subversive activities and must be stopped at all costs. They encourage thinking, but of the wrong sort - not the correct type of One Barnet thinking that Councillor Rams has been storing up in a tank at a secret location somewhere in central London, but dangerous thoughts: dissent, and alternative models for local government: democracy, community and engagement, that kind of thing. In this school of thought, people matter more than profit, and local authorities are run for the benefit of residents, rather than the self gratification of councillors, and to satisfy the slavering appetites of fat cat companies.

Try googling that thought, Robert, and see how many hits you get.

MetPro: Mrs Angry writes to the District Auditor,

Dear Mr Hughes,

Andrew Dismore has recently written to you in your position as District Auditor for the London Borough of Barnet in order to request that you hold a public interest inquiry into the MetPro scandal, and the wider issue of financial incompetence which the investigation into this affair has uncovered.

Your first response rejected the request on the basis that such an inquiry was unnecessary, would have 'limited impact' and moreover would risk 'undermining public confidence in a public body'. The second response, released today by Mr Dismore, tells us, rather amusingly, that you think a public interest inquiry would be too expensive.

This position is frankly ludicrous: if you were at all worried about avoiding actions that have 'limited' impact, one might be forgiven for wondering how you would define the impact of your own annual audit services for the authority. I would have thought that a reasonable conclusion would be that a company charging £373,000 a year for its services might be expected to be rather more effective, and to have spotted the glaring failures of the procurement, contractual, tendering and payment systems which allowed the MetPro situation to continue for five years, and was found to be indicative of a systemic failure of financial irregularities on a massive scale.

As for the excuse of 'undermining public confidence in a public body', I can only imagine that the use of such a phrase suggests a hitherto unsuspected sense of humour on your part - somewhat surprising, and completely inappropriate in the circumstances. I think you know perfectly well that the reputation of the authority is in tatters, and the only way in which it can begin to restore the loss of confidence in its ability to manage the financial administration of this borough is by acceding to a thorough investigation of the full circumstances of the background to the MetPro affair, including a consideration of why so many failures and persistent breaches of regulations were not identified by an external audit procedure.

As you may know, I write the Broken Barnet blog,as 'Mrs Angry', and was one of the bloggers who worked hard to uncover the MetPro story, and to bring the wider implications of the story into the public domain. You may recall my questions, so determinedly deflected by officers of the authority, at the Audit Report committee meeting of June 16th.

I think perhaps that you are aware that last week the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government paid tribute to the endeavours of the borough's bloggers in this matter, and one might reasonably infer from his remarks that he was not awfully impressed by the official audit process which failed to identify the issues we revealed.

I note that in your latest response to Mr Dismore you reject his repeated demand for an inquiry, dismiss the systemic failures highlighted in Lord Palmer's report as 'weaknesses' and offer the cost to the taxpayer of any further inquiry as a reason not to proceed further with such action.

Interestingly, you explain that the costs are based on a rate (for an 'engagement lead' such as yourself), of a staggering £380 per hour. I can quite see why you might think, therefore, that we might not be able to afford anymore of your services. I would like to remind you, however, Mr Hughes, that the people who did identify the failings that the regular audit process missed, the Barnet bloggers, worked for several weeks on an hourly rate of nothing whatsoever. Perhaps Grant Thornton might like to consider a ex gratia retrospective payment for myself and my colleagues, based on your own generous rate?

I know that many people are deeply worried by the potential conflict of interest that arises from the fact that the district auditor, ie your company, is in a position to decide on the pursual or not of a public interest inquiry into a matter in which your company has itself been involved. I feel that ideally the decision to hold a further inquiry should rest with another body, or at the very least that you should as a point of honour not seek to obstruct the instigation of a further investigation into what is very clearly a matter of public interest.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Angry

cc Mr Eric Pickles, MP, Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government

NB: residents and fellow bloggers may also wish to write to Mr Paul Hughes: his email address at Grant Thornton is:

paul.hughes@uk.gt.com.

PS - Mr Hughes:

If you feel in need of a few tips in how to improve your audit process, may I recommend my article in the Guardian: 'How to be an armchair auditor' http://t.co/WOvoQa8 ... this will explain how to spot another MetPro scandal, in a very cost effective way, successfully meeting the requirements of our own borough's oft stated 'relentless drive for efficiency'.

Mrs Angry x