Thursday, 3 November 2011

Lynton Crosby asks for Mrs Angry's help

photo of Lynton Crosby by Andy Hall

Things not to buy Mrs Angry for Christmas

If you needed proof that the Tory campaign for the next year's GLA and mayoral elections was in trouble, here it is.

Mrs Angry has just checked her email junk box.

Normally the stuff that is in there is interesting, but not of much use; offers to sell her some product to enlarge the size of her penis (it is awfully small), that sort of thing, but today: good Lord, look: a direct message from Lynton Crosby.

In case you don't know, Lynton Crosby is the Australian spin doctor being paid to enlarge the size of Boris Johnson's popularity in the run up to the election. Recently blogger Adam Bienkov revealed that Boris has denied being the Mayor who authorised a security pass for Crosby, to enable him to hang around City Hall ...

Crosby, who has been described as a 'master of the dark political arts' helped Boris in his previous campaign, and was also associated with the unsuccessful Tory general election bid of 2005. Oh, and he was also rumoured at one time to have been asked to help with with Brian too. Anyone with any sense would have thrown that particular poisoned chalice out of the window of City Hall into the muddy waters of the Thames, and we can only assume that that is what happened, as Brian's campaign is not doing awfully well, is it?

Apart from the disastrous fundraiser with 'Acid' Raine, Countess Spencer, which had to be cancelled, due to lack of interest, there is the strange fact that Brian's election strategy appears to be to keep quiet about the whole thing in the hope that no one will notice he is still here. Unfortunately, his inability to stop being Brian Coleman has meant that he continues to create embarrassing PR disasters like the Sharada Osman 'live in the real world' episode, and frankly is beyond help. Unless someone gags him, ties him up and locks him up in a cellar - oh hang on ... well, maybe puts him under house arrest until next May, he doesn't stand a chance of getting re-elected, and do you know, citizens, Mrs Angry thinks he knows that too?

Still, it was sweet of Lynton to ask for my help re Boris. I'll do my best. ( * btw for some reason the personally addressed email arrived after Mrs Angry queried something on one of Boris' press releases ...)

Dear Mrs Angry,

In six months Londoners will elect the Mayor who will govern their city until 2016.

Boris Johnson needs your help to be re-elected on 3 May 2012 and to keep the capital moving in the right direction. Yes, I know: don't worry, Lynton, you can rely on me to contribute.

London has come a long way since Boris became Mayor as he delivers on his promises to make London safer, invest in a creaking transport network to make it more reliable and keep the cost of living down. Hmm. Creaking. What's he done? Promise us some new buses and installed some very expensive bikes, oh - and a hike in fares?

He is putting 1,000 more police officers on our streets than he inherited, helping to make our neighbourhoods safer, with crime down by 9.4%. He is taking away our SNT officers, knife crime in Barnet is up by 46%, and Barnet has had a huge increase in burglaries: ask Tory Councillor 'Goldenarse' Longstaffe, who has been burgled, thanks to the former Labour government, and had his personal space invaded, and is very cross about it.

He is making our transport system more reliable, after securing the vital Tube upgrades and Crossrail. He is putting fares up.

He has kept the cost of living as low as possible by freezing his share of your council tax after a 153% rise under Ken Livingstone. Most Londoners would rather the council tax went up in order to protect vital services.

He is making the Olympics a success, ensuring the stadiums are built on time and under budget, while also ensuring a genuine legacy. Mrs Angry does not give a flying f*ck about the Olympics. A genuine legacy of what? Debt? Stadiums built on time? Mussolini. Trains. Lamp posts.

And he is growing London's economy, ensuring new opportunities for Londoners, including doubling the number of apprenticeships for young people compared to when Ken Livingstone was in office. This is the largest growth anywhere in the country. Where is the proof of that? How many unemployed young people are there now in the capital?

The next six months will be a tough fight as Londoners weigh up a clear choice – getting on with the job under Boris Johnson or risking going backwards under Ken Livingstone. Mrs Angry does not want to be under Boris Johnson, in any circumstance, and would rather go backwards with full time Ken than into a future with part time Mayor Boris, who never shows his face in Broken Barnet anyway.

Today we are making it easier than ever to Back Boris.

We are launching an e-shop so you can let everyone know you're Backing Boris by stocking up on the iconic designs:

This is fabulous marketing, it must be said, but when are you going to launch an iconic range of t shirts with Brian's face on them? Admittedly you've just missed Halloween, which is a lost opportunity.

And we are launching a new 'vox pops' section on our homepage where we'll show your video messages of support:

And every weekday for the next 6 weeks, we will be devoting an entire day to showing what Boris has done in every borough, starting with Barking and Dagenham tomorrow. So look out for #BORISinBandD and subsequently #BORISin... What? Looking forward to seeing what Boris has done here in Barnet, though, apart from give a £400,000 present to the most affluent high street in the borough - which coincidentally contains the office of the Chipping Barnet Conservative Association.

Please get on board and help us to ensure that Londoners Back Boris in 2012.

Best wishes,
Lynton Crosby

Campaign Director

I'm on board, Mr Crosby. Hold very tight please. Ting ting.

Mrs Angry x


Mr Mustard said...

Thank you Mrs Angry for the link to the Back Boris shop. I will be ordering a T shirt to wear at future council meetings as I think they are rather stylish and it will have the councillors guessing. Mind you being frugal I might wait until July when I can buy them on a market stall for 99p

Maybe there is a "stab Brian in the Back" shop you could spend your money at? ( Mr Mustard would like to point out that the previous remark is for the amusement of Mrs Angry and that he does not condone violence in any way shape or form. You may not like what Brian says but the answer is to use rational debate and argument )

Mrs Angry said...

I prefer the use of civil disobedience and pointless insolence, Mr Mustard.