Guest blog, Tracey Smith
My Profile: Mrs Smith
I live in the Tory run London Borough of Broken Barnet.
From January 2009 to April 2010, right, my family, friends and casual visitors struggled to cope with neighbours from hell - a load of whinging middle class la di dah spoilsports who, in the absence of an adequate supply of social housing, seem to think they have to go to work, save up for a deposit, obtain a mortgage, buy a house and live in a residential street, lording it over the likes of us, and in our case, constantly complain about our happy, carefree, expressive way of life, and can you believe it this was allowed to continue for sixteen interminable months until Barnet Council saw reason and pushed us to the top of the housing waiting list, about bloody time, to give us our dream home on a council estate surrounded by all our old friends and proper access to the best dealers and criminal networks in the borough, in return for pretending to listen to a couple of social workers' advice once a fortnight which is a laugh, sit there nodding, and telling them a load of crap. Well here we are now and its only what we ever asked for and what we are entitled to you've read about similar cases in the press and now we're going to tell you our side of the story ...
We couldn't believe our luck when we was given the keys to the house alright it was crap old furniture and the garden was completely full of shit, rotting rubbish and rats but we promised the owners we would get rid of it for them so we got some junkie from the rehab clinic up north finchley to stuff it in the school bins for a score and then in next doors only he got caught, the stupid tosser, so we burnt some of it and guess who was looking out the window at us like she been sucking on a lemon, only that cow next door, then she got the police to come round well not the real ones, the ones who are polite and have their mums ringing up to tell them off when theyre at work LOL anyway he said the lady next door, lady, ha, says you had drugs being used in your garden, drugs, I said never, not my boys, no way, not in my house, he said what was that bong doing in the back garden then, I explained my Troy is very interested in middle eastern culture and enjoys contemplating the state of the world with a little puff on some sweet tobacco, that's all he said oh ok then that's alright oh but did you know you are keeping the neighbours awake all night with your noise and stop swearing.
Well, I said, well what a bloody cheek officer theyre just normal high spirited boys full of life, bless'em but she is a fucking liar anyway, I never swear and my kids theyre good boys cept when they get me really really angry cos I can't control them being a single mum and they wind me up sob I can't cope my Travis you know he got ADHD and I had to get him on that liquid cosh stuff to shut him up a bit and sometimes he gets me so fuckin angry I have to whack him its his fault he makes me do it and you know he's deaf in one ear, don't know how that happened but he don't listen anyway ...
And then, that c**t next door, she only got a man from the council round he said I was supposed to go to some meeting with him and the police, and why didnt I go why should I, anyway? So they come round here instead bothering me at home and the man from the council said we got a little problem here haven't we and what can we do about it I said I can't do nothin he said we want to give you support for your needs and the cops, the real ones this time the ones what wear hoodies like us and all that they said yes thats right Mrs Smith we are here to help and one said by the way Madam who are all these young men what come here all the time he said with a funny look on his face think he fancied me to be honest or something and I said mind your own business Darren and Tyler theyre family friends what are just stayin for a while and then they went and Darren he said I aint staying here no more with cops coming round interfering I'm off and he went and then my kids was really upset by the man from the council saying they had to behave so they went to the school next door just to let off steam and they accidentally rearranged some of the gardens and just cos they got caught on CCTV they made out they was to blame for vandalising stuff can you believe it.
One night my Troy and Darren and Tyler and some of us was outside running about the front and Troy and Jezza just jumped over next doors for a bit of a laugh then waved at them being friendly and that stuck up cow said we was harassing them which was another bloody lie can't take a joke can you missus and youre no better than you should be sitting there watching University Challenge when I'm trying to listen to East Enders and I seen all those bottles in your recycling bin.
So then the man from the council and the police said would you like to sign this contract to say you will all behave and I said no I would not I'm going on holiday to Tenerife but dont worry my Troy will look after the house with his mates oh he said I hope they wont make a noise or nothin, they'll be as good as gold I said. When I come back just cos they had a all night party and there was a small fight and someone mentioned a gun and the cops had to come out we was in trouble yet again, more harassment by them next door. The man from the council said would you like to come for a meeting and sign these contracts to say you will behave but I got a lawyer she said tell them you aren't signing nothing cos you aint done nothing wrong. They said if you do anything else you are in trouble you could go to court I said ooh Im scared. Dont know what happened then but then I had go to parenting classes which was a laugh after seven kids think I could tell them a thing or two. They said did you know its a good idea to send your kids to bed at a certain time and not to whack them and stop swearing which shows how much they know but you have to pretend to go along with it.
Then a different lot from the council said its ok we suddenly realise now that you are vulnerable and you have needs that must be addressed by not ever telling you off for nothing you ever done and anyway its too expensive to take you to court so that was good and then they said some social workers will help you so they come round and said we think your boys need some good male role models and do you know any and I said well yes I have lots of young men coming here all the time and Darren and Jezza even share their gear with them, and they said oh that was interesting and wrote some notes. Next thing is we hear we're getting a new flat when the council can get one and where would we like to live.
Course they kept us waiting for months, which was a bloody liberty, and meant we had to put up with more bother from those shits next door, moaning just cos my boys and their friends suffer from insomnia and can't get to sleep at night. When my boys and Darren and Jezza are lying in the next day, do they think oh I must be quiet because some people are trying to have a lie in? Do they fuck. How many times have they had the cops round ringing on the door waking them up before lunchtime cos theres yet another complaint bout some lie they made up.
After six months they found somewhere - six months, can you believe it and we was supposed to move but the council said oh hold on we forgot to check something can you sign here and here and here and you have to behave now by the way did you know? And I said my boys are as good as gold and look they can run about the fields like new born lambs and gambol in the sunshine and they said er yeah and so we started packing and do you know the police came by so nice and said oh are you going and do you know I think they was even going to offer to help us pack. Goodbye, then, I said, and thanks for all your help I heard a funny noise coming from her next door twitching the net curtains as usual of course. Then off they went and I could tell they was pretty choked up. So we left for our new home then: course the stuck up bitch next door looked well pleased so to wipe the smile off her face Darren and Jezza paid a visit in the middle of the night and left a present on their doorstep, oh dear LOL and missing you already Mrs Fucking Angry!
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