Thursday 17 June 2010

Panic on the Streets of London

Report filed 16th June 2010 re Mrs Angry/ASB:

for the attention of Ms X,
Head of Creative Responses and Desperate Measures,
Room 101, Rachman House, LB Broken Barnet.

Ms X:

As instructed, I have continued my 24 hour observation of the Angry household, in order to note any further outrageous examples of antisocial behaviour by Mrs Angry for use in our pathetic attempt to undermine her complaint to the LGO. This is, frankly, an unrewarding and deeply tedious activity and I beg you to facilitate the promised promotion from my present post in the Broken Barnet poop scoop monitoring department, at your earliest convenience.

However, I am pleased to report to you an interesting incident this morning which occurred at approximately 11.00 hours.

I have to admit that I had fallen asleep at my position, crouched behind the pillar box at the junction of SleazyBarnet Lane and Futureshaped Avenue, when I was awoken by an alarming noise coming from the Angry property. I could clearly hear a woman shouting YES! YES! YES! and apparently yelling with joy, in a shameful and most unladylike manner. My wife doesn't carry on like that, I can tell you. Unfortunately. A passing postman and an old woman walking a dog stopped in their tracks and tutted, in fact the elderly lady remarked that anyone would think we were in Sunderland, * and that if so the woman in question would be ASBOd. (Maybe there is something in this? Can we run this by the Legal team?)

Taking my binoculars from my raincoat pocket, I noticed that a 'For Sale' sign had been erected outside the property next door to the Angry household, that is to say the former residence of the severely traumatised and grossly misunderstood Smith family. For some reason, the erection in question had produced a feeling of great satisfaction in Mrs Angry: more proof of her shameless and vulgar enjoyment at the misfortune of others, her total lack of respect for the rights and well being of the poor Smith family, and the blatant disregard for all the inconvenience caused by her to the commendably responsible and caring landlords of the property in question. (I hear, incidentally that Tracey Smith has now written a heart wrending account of her ordeal entitled: 'Don't Make Me Angry: a shocking life story of Sixteen Months as the Totally Innocent Victim of Middle class Persecution and Shameless Window Dressing', soon to be available in the 'Tragic Life Section' of WHSmith.)

I continued my covert observations. Mrs Angry exited the house at 11.15 hours, and I then followed her all the way to Waitrose, where I was obliged to hide behind the fruit and veg counter, which was difficult, as a notorious Finchley housewife known to the authorities as 'Mrs T' (would be blogger, not the wife of enemy of the state Rog T) was already lying there comatose on the floor, with a half empty bottle of Pimms, claiming to be a 'Friend' of our new MP, and incoherently muttering about 'thickheads' and fitness tips of the day - and had to be removed by security.

Due to the confusion, I shamefully failed to observe the contents of Mrs Angry's shopping basket, but when she returned, I am sure you will be shocked to hear that she once again covered the front of her window with bunting, balloons, and a large banner emblazoned with an enormous pair of knickers, with, er, your initials on them, Ms X, and a lewd message.

Within minutes, a large crowd of interested onlookers had gathered in SleazyBarnet Lane, causing gridlock throughout West Finchley, and then the whole of Broken Barnet: by six o'clock the entire Greater London area was at a standstill, Mr Cameron was obliged to call an emergency session of COBRA, and inform the Pentagon. President Obama was recalled from Congress.

Clearly this woman and her bunting are not only a menace to society, but a risk to the stability of the global community. I have suddenly remembered, therefore, that we long ago decided to immediately search for another property more suitable for her family's needs -possibly a six bedroomed detached house with pool in Totteridge, or Bishops Avenue. Perhaps this is the way forward? Just a thought.

Is that enough? Can I go home now?

* See earlier blog, Trouble in Paradise, 16th April ...

NB: Mrs Angry would like to make it clear that she does not wear outsized undergarments, has never displayed any undergarments in her window, and is yet again the victim of unwarranted attacks on her good character.

Oh; and update, 17th June: the For Sale sign has been removed! Word on the street is the lovely owners are still arguing, in their charming way, about whether they can squeeze more money out of their old mum's house by getting in more tenants! Isn't that good news?

Mrs Angry is now having to decide whether to set fire to herself, or the house next door.

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