The King of Bling: a tragedy, in many parts: Brian Coleman refuses to leave the stage

 The King of Bling

This is the excellent foppery of the world, that,
when we are sick in fortune,--often the surfeit
of our own behaviour,--we make guilty of our
disasters the sun, the moon, and the stars: as
if we were villains by necessity; fools by
heavenly compulsion; knaves, thieves, and
treachers, by spherical predominance; drunkards,
liars, and adulterers, by an enforced obedience of
planetary influence; and all that we are evil in,
by a divine thrusting on: (King Lear, 1.2.132)

We have often commented, have we not, on the way in which the life of Brian Coleman appears to be set to follow a course of events mapped out in the fashion of a Jacobean tragedy: an endlessly convoluted plot, dark deeds, whispered secrets, constant scheming - and a burning desire for revenge?

True to form, our man, fresh from his disgraceful broadcast interview with Iain Dale on LBC radio last week, in which, very foolishly, he once more attempted to smear the reputation of Helen Michael, the woman he assaulted in the street last year, has now turned his attention to the former Conservative colleagues in Chipping Barnet, whose perceived betrayal, he believes, allowed him to be thrown out of the local Tory association, and effectively end all chances of resuming a political career.

He has written another of his ghastly blogs - ghastly not least because of his appalling grammar and punctuation - to which Mrs Angry has no intention of providing a link, or quoting in full as a. we must not encourage him in his mindless jabberings, and b. he has made some rather unpleasant allegations about local Tory councillors, which they may feel requires a legal challenge. (Look at Mrs Angry, worrying about the reputations of Tory councillors: who would have thought it? My enemy's enemy, Richard, and all that ...)

The latest post in his absurd blog,  'The King of Bling is Back', begins, bizarrely, with a theatre review: Brian is apparently more a fan of musical theatre than Shakespearean drama (too much of a busman's holiday) and took himself off, pre LBC interview, to see 'The Bodyguard', which he enjoyed very much.  Good man. 

Mrs Angry imagines that a bodyguard might be a useful accesssory at the next council meeting he attends, after his former Tory colleagues read the rest of the post. Look: can you see a picture of Brian, Whitney Houston style, being carried tenderly up the steps of the Town Hall, perhaps by a nice security officer from MetPro/Evolution Emergency Response? Mrs Angry can. Sweet.

Then Brian tells us gushingly about his interview:

During the day I had received several media bids from outlets wishing me to comment on the decision of Chipping Barnet Conservative Association Executive the night before to expel me, which developed into a bizarre bidding war . 

Can you imagine, the frenzy of that bidding war? It must have been like trying to get Pope Francis on Graham Norton.

Coleman then talks about his interview, and alludes once more to the recent court case in which he pleaded guilty to the assault on Helen Michael, and repeats allegations which will not be republished here, as they are not true.

He then turns to the vote by his local Conservative Association to end his membership, one which he claims he 'understands' was 'a very narrow majority'. Mmm. He did not turn up anyway, he says because it was a 'kangaroo court'. 

What's that Skippy? It was, in fact,  a democratically representative hearing arranged according to the Constitution of the Conservative Party? Well, tie me kangaroo, down, sport. Fair dos, then, Brian, really, when all is said and done, no?

But no: he disagrees. His downfall, like Lear, is the tragedy of a great king, brought to an undignified end by the actions of others, the moon, the stars, by spherical predominance, and the members of the Chipping Barnet Conservative Association.  

Mrs Angry would tend to agree that this body is indeed responsible for a miasma of foul influence that wafts over the blasted landscape of Broken Barnet, but some members at least have to some small extent redeemed themselves in part in their rejection, at last, of their former hero.

Brian gets the knife out now for Act Three, and the ruthless assassination of certain characters in the unfolding drama: the bodies pile up on the stage: the leader and his wife, a local councillor, and a member of the association whom he favours with a particularly vile jibe, because of course this is a female member: a woman, and therefore worthy of particularly personal abuse - he refers to her physical appearance as 'looking like a box of spanners'.

You may not know, but in Councillor Coleman's charity flat, his Methodist church landlords have not only provided him with accommodation at a fixed rent, but kindly installed a magic mirror, into which Brian peers every morning, and finds reflected the face of a supremely handsome man, who is therefore in a position to cast aspersions on those with less aesthetically pleasing features. 

Coleman's dashing good looks, vote winning charisma and widespread popularity clearly have caused great jealousy amongst his Tory chums. He continues:

Several of the others present who voted for my expulsion were individuals who have their eyes on my Totteridge seat .

Aha. Hmm. Didn't know Labour party members were allowed to attend this sort of thing, but Mrs Angry imagines they were enthralled by the proceedings. But then he makes an interesting claim:

There is a mystery as to why Chipping Barnet Conservative Officers saw the need to hold this meeting when they took no action against another Chipping Barnet Conservative Councillor who was fined a considerable amount more than me when he was convicted for drink driving at three times over the legal limit. The matter was hushed up during the period that Cllr Richard Cornelius was serving as Chairman of Chipping Barnet Conservatives .

This is indeed a serious matter. Mrs Angry suggests that Councillor Cornelius might like to confirm whether or not this person will be standing for re-election. The case is different to Coleman's, of course, however he may wish to spin it: his downfall is the culmination of a long record of offensive behaviour which has brought the reputation of the Conservative party into disrepute, and central office would not allow any further embarrassment to ensue: suspension and expulsion have been imposed not due to the floundering actions of local Tories, but by intervention from a higher authority. Such is the extent of the damage caused by the swivel eyed lunacy of the backwater Tories of Broken Barnet.

Coleman says he is cheered by 'the many messages of support' he claims to have received and he states himself to be determined to carry on representing Conservative values, including:

 'opposition to the Stalinist , Soviet monolith that is the "One Barnet " programme ...'

Ah. That would be the Stalinist, Soviet monolith he was supporting with every breath in his body right up until he was suspended from the party. 

In your present view of the One Barnet privatisation*, at least, at last, Brian - we can agree. 

Mrs Angry expects to see you tonight, therefore, at the Town Hall, for the scrutiny meeting which is taking place in order to 'discuss' the risible DRS contract about to be passed into the sweaty embrace of Crapita Symonds.

Don't forget the bodyguard. Or, if you ask nicely, I will escort you safely up the stairs.

Mrs Angry x

*Breaking news: One Barnet appeal to be heard July 15th, chaired by the Master of the Rolls. No contracts will be signed before the date.