A useful lesson for Tory MPs everywhere, especially in marginal consituencies: how to make a careful exit from the Great Blue Hole
Stuck here in the silly season and dog day summer afternoons of Broken Barnet, Mrs Angry's wandering thoughts have turned once more to our missing Hendon MP and man of action, Matthew Offord, so far away, lost somewhere deep in the tropical rainforests of Belize.
As we know, our Tarzan and possibly his Jane, are not on holiday, no, no, no - but on (sshh, don't tell anyone) - TOP SECRET PARLIAMENTARY BUSINESS - undercover counter terrorism work and fighting the previously unknown major drug cartels of Belize, as well as installing hurricane proof shutters and cellars in the homes of the grateful residents of Belize: no, not the homes of expatriate billionaires and Tory party grandees, the rather more humble dwellings, we would imagine, of the underpriviliged citizens of what Matthew tells us is a 'third world country', (yes, it is a developing nation, despite the marvellous business opportunities to be found there for some lucky people).
What a shame that the admirable Mr Offord will have no time for any leisure activities, while he is in Belize, such as, well - for example, diving in the world famous 'Great Blue Hole' , pictured above. Doesn't it look inviting? Let's read some more:
The Great Blue Hole at Lighthouse Reef
A feature attraction of Diving in Belize, Especially for divers with a appreciation of geographical phenomena, is the opportunity to explore the famed Blue Hole. Part of the Lighthouse Reef System, it lies approximately 60 miles off the mainland out of Belize City. It is one of the most astounding dive sites to be found anywhere on earth, right in the center of Lighthouse Reef is a large, almost perfectly circular hole approximately one quarter of a mile (.4 km) across. Inside this hole the water is 480 feet (145 m) deep and it is the depth of water which gives the deep blue color that causes such structures throughout the world to be known as "blue holes."
Sounds fabulous, doesn't it?
This hole is a bottomless pit, with a very small entrance, which must be negotiated with care. Once you have entered the rim, you must proceed with caution, of course, ah carefully now ... but will be guaranteed what is described as something akin to a religious experience. Hmm: lovely. Your pleasure, we are told, is doubled by looking up to catch reflections in the mirror of water above you. Goodness, I'm almost there myself, aren't you, readers? Bit of a crick in the neck, though. Ah, hold on though, while you are down there, you must be aware of the dangers: over excitement, lightheadedness - and sharks, of course. Oh, and afterwards, apparently, you may well have to off-gas. Dear me.
Shame to miss such an opportunity, but there you go: duty calls, you know, when you are a busy MP.
Well, sadly, here in Broken Barnet we can offer no such temptations for Mr Offord: no great blue holes - ah, although we do have one great black hole, don't we, Mr Mustard?
Yes, take a deep sea dive into Mr Mustard's blog today: he has given one Andrew Travers(ty) an end of term school report ...
... no sharks there, no no, oh but look, we do have a bottomless pit, don't we? One Barnet, you remember! Yes, that model for local government, better services for less money, with its relentless drive for efficiency, which is costing us millions of pounds to install, but oh dear, whoops, has failed to bring in ANY savings at all.
And yes, hold Mr Mustard's hand, and he will be your dive buddy as you plumb the depths of Andrew 'Black Hole' Travers, our little fishy tailed deputy Chief Executive, whom we feed on a diet of, no not a bucket load of raw fish, but a bucketload of gold - a well deserved reward of £1,000 a day. Look: there he sits, like a lovely mermaid, swishing his tail on a sunken treasure chest, counting on his fingers, and doing hard sums.
Oh, hang, on: Mrs Angry was wrong about the sharks: look at the dark, menacing shadows in the water, circling around the bucketload of One Barnet bait ... Capita, BT, Serco ... time to get out of the water, maybe?
