Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Blue Holes, Black Holes - and Matthew Offord

A useful lesson for Tory MPs everywhere, especially in marginal consituencies: how to make a careful exit from the Great Blue Hole

Stuck here in the silly season and dog day summer afternoons of Broken Barnet, Mrs Angry's wandering thoughts have turned once more to our missing Hendon MP and man of action, Matthew Offord, so far away, lost somewhere deep in the tropical rainforests of Belize.

As we know, our Tarzan and possibly his Jane, are not on holiday, no, no, no - but on (sshh, don't tell anyone) - TOP SECRET PARLIAMENTARY BUSINESS - undercover counter terrorism work and fighting the previously unknown major drug cartels of Belize, as well as installing hurricane proof shutters and cellars in the homes of the grateful residents of Belize: no, not the homes of expatriate billionaires and Tory party grandees, the rather more humble dwellings, we would imagine, of the underpriviliged citizens of what Matthew tells us is a 'third world country', (yes, it is a developing nation, despite the marvellous business opportunities to be found there for some lucky people).

What a shame that the admirable Mr Offord will have no time for any leisure activities, while he is in Belize, such as, well - for example, diving in the world famous 'Great Blue Hole' , pictured above. Doesn't it look inviting? Let's read some more:

The Great Blue Hole at Lighthouse Reef

A feature attraction of Diving in Belize, Especially for divers with a appreciation of geographical phenomena, is the opportunity to explore the famed Blue Hole. Part of the Lighthouse Reef System, it lies approximately 60 miles off the mainland out of Belize City. It is one of the most astounding dive sites to be found anywhere on earth, right in the center of Lighthouse Reef is a large, almost perfectly circular hole approximately one quarter of a mile (.4 km) across. Inside this hole the water is 480 feet (145 m) deep and it is the depth of water which gives the deep blue color that causes such structures throughout the world to be known as "blue holes."

Sounds fabulous, doesn't it?

This hole is a bottomless pit, with a very small entrance, which must be negotiated with care. Once you have entered the rim, you must proceed with caution, of course, ah carefully now ... but will be guaranteed what is described as something akin to a religious experience. Hmm: lovely. Your pleasure, we are told, is doubled by looking up to catch reflections in the mirror of water above you. Goodness, I'm almost there myself, aren't you, readers? Bit of a crick in the neck, though. Ah, hold on though, while you are down there, you must be aware of the dangers: over excitement, lightheadedness - and sharks, of course. Oh, and afterwards, apparently, you may well have to off-gas. Dear me.

Shame to miss such an opportunity, but there you go: duty calls, you know, when you are a busy MP.

Well, sadly, here in Broken Barnet we can offer no such temptations for Mr Offord: no great blue holes - ah, although we do have one great black hole, don't we, Mr Mustard?

Yes, take a deep sea dive into Mr Mustard's blog today: he has given one Andrew Travers(ty) an end of term school report ...

... no sharks there, no no, oh but look, we do have a bottomless pit, don't we? One Barnet, you remember! Yes, that model for local government, better services for less money, with its relentless drive for efficiency, which is costing us millions of pounds to install, but oh dear, whoops, has failed to bring in ANY savings at all.

And yes, hold Mr Mustard's hand, and he will be your dive buddy as you plumb the depths of Andrew 'Black Hole' Travers, our little fishy tailed deputy Chief Executive, whom we feed on a diet of, no not a bucket load of raw fish, but a bucketload of gold - a well deserved reward of £1,000 a day. Look: there he sits, like a lovely mermaid, swishing his tail on a sunken treasure chest, counting on his fingers, and doing hard sums.

Oh, hang, on: Mrs Angry was wrong about the sharks: look at the dark, menacing shadows in the water, circling around the bucketload of One Barnet bait ... Capita, BT, Serco ... time to get out of the water, maybe?


baarnett said...

The name's Offord, but you can call me "MP".

Offord soon arrives in Belize, and a rendezvous with his assistant, er, Mrs Offord. Earlier, Q had provided Offord with some new gadgets: a small breather system, an underwater jet-pack, a homing device for Offord to swallow, an underwater infra-red camera, and a distress signal flare, disguised as a large tin of leek and potato.

That night, Offord discreetly swims underneath Lord Ashcroft's boat, and snaps a few pictures of a distinctive logo on the hull, before escaping suspicious henchmen and swimming ashore, where he is picked up on the side of the road by a local soup distributor, and she offers him a ride back to his hotel. In the car, he notices that she wears a ring with the same logo from under Lord Ashcroft's boat.

The very next morning, Offord releases his distress flare when he hears Lord Ashcroft's helicopter nearby. Bond is rescued by a unit of the United States coast-guard, who parachute into the water to intercept the illicit soup cartons. Offord joins in the underwater warfare, killing several CHOWDER agents. After a long and brutal battle, the remaining henchmen surrender, as the soup pirate middle manager flees back to the Slow Cooker, pursued by Offord. The Slow Cooker manages to escape from the incoming Navy ships, but Offord sneaks up to the bridge and engages in hand-to-hand combat.

After a fist brawl, the criminal leader gains the upper hand and is about to shoot Offord, but Mrs Offord appears behind him, and throws a tin-opener into his back, killing him. Offord and his wife jump off the speeding ship and into the water, before it crashes into the rocks, exploding. Shortly after, the two of them are rescued from the sea by a U.S. Navy B-17 airplane, equipped with a microwave and some thick slices of crusty bread.

Mrs Angry said...

Were you there, baarnett? Weren't you sworn to secrecy? Mind your back, now, slipping out of council meetings, late at night ...
Who would you rather have 'cocktails' on the beach with, ladies (or gents) of Broken Barnet? Daniel Craig, or Matthew Offord? Hmm. Difficult choice.

Mr Mustard said...

Lets try that link here Mrs A if the instructions haven't self destructed

school report

I have just received some previous reports. I will comb them for any more helpful remarks from teacher.

Mr Mustard said...

Cocktails for Barnet Council ?

Culture Shock
Hurricane (you know I don't make it up Mrs A!)
Rum Swizzle (no Rum in the One Barnet version)
Three Wise Men ( not available in N11 )

Mrs Angry said...

mmm: not the cocktail of Mrs Angry's choice, dear Mr Mustard. In fact, to be frank, Mrs Angry does not indulge in cocktails at all, the only lessons in life that she has learnt (are you reading this, Mr Roper?) being a. never mix drinks, and b. never trust anyone called Julian. This is the only useful advice she can think of to pass onto her children, sadly.

Anonymous said...

I can't think what you mean, Mrs A. When Charles Ryder meets Sebastian Flyte for the first time at Oxford in Brideshead Revisited, Sebastian, before vomiting through the window of Charles's room, explains that it is not the quantity of drink he has taken that makes him feel unwell, but the variety. Tout comprendre c'est tout pardoner, he says, in his defence.

Mrs Angry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs Angry said...

sorry, embarrassed by spelling: as I was saying - Well: mmm. There are two books you should not read if you are likely to suffer from latent Catholic guilt complex, one is Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, and the other is Brideshead. Although I suppose if I reread them now I would just find them infuriating. As it happens, a cousin of mine attended Hertford College and used to claim that his was the window which Sebastian Flyte was supposed to have thrown up into. He's a shameless fibber, mind you, like most of our family.

Mrs Angry said...

I should point out that Mrs Angry's advice was woefully ignored last night by one of her children, who is now nursing a very sore head after a twelve hour pub crawl. Tut tut, young Master Angry.

Belize Hotel said...


Nice blog! Great Blue Hole is one of the best diving locations, which located in Belize and most known as a deep and wide hole, outlined with the coral reef, but you must be careful with the sharks. Please provide more information about it. Thank you...