Monday 16 August 2010

Mrs Angry's Allowance Rise: A Statement

Fellow citizens.

Over the past few weeks a vile rumour has been spread around by my enemies that I, in my capacity as leader of the council here in Broken Barnet, have awarded myself an enormous pay rise. This is of course a complete misunderstanding.

It has been alleged that I forcibly obtained this pay rise from the residents of this borough by bullying my servile and spineless colleagues into supporting a claim for more cash, and that I threatened one colleague who refused to support me by pulling her hair, stamping on her foot, and threatening to flush her head down the nearest toilet, if she disobeyed. This is absolutely untrue.

For some time now I have felt that because I am so greedy, I should be given a lot more money, and, in the interests of transparency, should be seen to be given a lot more money, so that the idle working classes of Broken Barnet might be encouraged to aspire to a lifestyle like mine, whereby a few hours of 'work' a week is so richly rewarded at the expense of others much poorer than myself.

I feel that with my vast success in the world of business, (before the unfortunate collapse of the Angry Direct Marketing empire), I am uniquely placed to guide the people of Broken Barnet to a secure and profitable economic future. By reluctantly accepting a larger allowance from the grateful residents, I had hoped to make them realise that painful cuts in their own salaries and devastating loss of services is only, after all, exactly what they deserve, and that it serves them right for not being me.

Sadly, it appears that my philanthropic intentions have been deliberately portrayed by some as a blatant attempt to exploit my position and stick two fingers up at the good people of Broken Barnet. Nothing could be further from the truth. Unfortunately, despite my many tireless and patronising explanations to the electorate via the media, they have stupidly chosen to criticise my actions and threaten to form a residents' revolution. Worse still, some of my craven colleagues have even got up off their knees, and are now openly whispering in corners, plotting against me.

I have suddenly remembered, therefore, that I have never, at any time, had any intention to demand a pay rise, and indeed utterly condemn any such inappropriate measure, which, as I have always maintained, is clearly unacceptable in these challenging times, when it seems you cannot get away with anything without those f***ing bloggers finding out.


baarnett said...

The fault, in fact, lies with my so-called "advisors".

This group of incompetent operators has unfortunately given me policies that have proved to be less than satisfactory.

The public will be gratified, therefore, that I have fully investigated their advice, and taken action against these traitors. Some might call this savage, but I would prefer to call it fair and measured.

Rest assured that my noble and self-sacrificing reign will now continue, here at the Palace of Hendon. I will continue to fight only for your interests, thinking of nothing for myself except the very modest and occasional stale crust or over-ripe banana.

Don't Call Me Dave said...

According to the job description, Nick Walkley is supposed to act as adviser to the Administration. But the Sunday Times reported yesterday that he is now on a fraction under quarter of a million a year so he is far too busy sticking his own snout in the trough to notice or care what the councillors are doing.

The credibility of the Conservative Party in Barnet is now in tatters. If they want to limit that damage, Hillan and her cabinet cronies must all go. Reversing the decision is not enough. They have spent the last month justifying the unjustifiable and must now walk the plank to atone their sins.

baarnett said...

There are the new highly-paid financial jobs to be scrapped.

And investigations into the legality of publishing committee papers only one day before the last full council must, of course, be continued.

Let them squirm.

Mrs Angry said...

DCMD: hooray, he lives ... I'm not sure if the Conservative party in Barnet has had any credibility for a very long time: possibly for a couple of months in 1939?
But you are right: Hillan et al have lost any moral or political authority and the only course of honour is to jack it in. As it is a matter of honour, I suspect that rather than walking the plank they will have to have their fingers prised from the edge as they dangle over the side.
Baarnett, that reminds me: what happened to the GMB letter?

baarnett said...

Without looking up the references, I believe that Allowancegate was discovered by the Barnet Bugle - simply because the usual committee papers were not on the Barnet web site.

Again from memory, the Bugle had speculated that the Cabinet might have been about to reduce its allowances by 5% (on the old rates).

So a Pullitzer Prize to the Bugle. (Watergate it ain't, but worthy of praise.)

Er. No sign of the 5% reduction, I don't suppose!